5 Things I Learned in 5 Years of Parenting
I cannot believe my baby girl is turning 5 this week! It feels like just yesterday I was experiencing parenthood for the first time, from morning sickness, to childbirth, to toddler tantrums. I can’t say whether the last five years have flown by or lasted forever. Maybe that old adage is true “the days are long but the years are short.”
But in these past five years, I’ve learned so much about myself, marriage, and parenthood. Some are things I heard my own parents say but couldn’t appreciate until I lived the experiences myself, some are things I’ve learned on my own, while some are silly and others are profound. But in honor of my first five years of parenthood, I’m going to share with you five important lessons I’ve learned as a parent. And for those who have already lived and are past the reality of life with little children, relive it with me for a moment.
1. “You made me crazy”
My mom told me that her mom (my Nona), mother of 8, would sometimes try to leave the house or run an errand by herself. Probably in search of a moment of quiet. Inevitably, one of her children would ask where she was going. Her reply was, “I’m going crazy!” Their response? “Let me go with you!”
Yes, sometimes – despite our fervent love for our children – we realize we’ve gone a little crazy being their parents. Have you ever tried cooking with the help of a toddler? Had a “great” idea for a craft that suddenly went awry? Had a yes-no-yes-no-yes-no argument with a 4 year old, who will never admit defeat, even though she’s objectively wrong? And then you realize, that despite your college degree, you still succumb and admit defeat to the relentlessly persistent child who, obviously, knows better than you. Or tried to keep a toddler with zero self preservation instincts safe for their years of toddlerhood? Perhaps you’ve snuck m&m’s so you don’t have to share with your toddler? And yet he still intuits that you’re eating an m&m and begins to scream and cry for his own “nem-nems”. Crisis not averted.
Oh my, how I love these children. But they’ve made me crazy.
2. “I can’t have nice things”
When I was growing up, I heard this often. My mother often lamented the fact that we ruined all her nice things. I admit I was part of her problem. When I was in 3rd grade, I was trying to clean something in the living room with a broom and I accidentally knocked baby Jesus off the nativity set on the fireplace mantel, shattering his face. I put it back and pretended like it never happened. My mom noticed alright, and it’s probably the only lie kept for years, probably at least 10. I was way too afraid to admit to what I’d done. Because after all, I was the reason my mom couldn’t have nice things.
Today, I understand her plight. My kids are always getting into my stuff, staining our furniture with markers, dumping my makeup, coloring on the walls. Let’s not forget the bouts of stomach flu that leave a trail of vomit on the carpet or beds or sofas. Let’s not even talk about potty training accidents. I don’t expect this issue to improve until the kids are all out of the house. Maybe then I’ll try owning nice things, but perhaps by then, will grandkids will be right around the corner?
3. Children are our mirror
I thought I’d be such a great parent… before I became a parent. But then, of course, like every other parent, I realized that this is the hardest gig I’ve ever had. Now, as a stay at home mom, I consider my kids to be simultaneously the most awesome and most frustrating coworkers I’ve ever had! They constantly remind me of my very best and my very worst tendencies – the areas where I most need to change and grow.
For example, when Lucy would get frustrated she’d let out this strangle grumbly growl sound. I thought it was a little cute but mostly funny. But one day I got frustrated and let out this strange grumbly growl that I’d never taken notice of before. Oof.. that was my habit she picked up on. At one point she started saying “Oh fudge,” and you can bet she didn’t come up with that on her own. And then there was the time she started repeating my frustrated expressions when driving in town.
4. Bubbles always pop (aka you’re not in control)
I’ve also heard that fears are learned behaviors. So I tried my darndest to not let my kids know I’m scared of most bugs. It worked! Lucy has an affinity for bugs I will never understand. She was so upset when her preschool classmates were killing ants at recess. And when she’s playing with her brother and I hear her say, “You’re making me nervous!” I realize that I might vocalize my irrational anxieties about my kids’ safety a little too often.
Have you ever watched a kid try to catch a bubble? They almost always pop immediately, but it does offer some good, clean fun. Trying to control life or children or family circumstances is much like trying to catch a bubble. It’s a practice in futility because we are not in control.
When RSV hit our house, we kept Nicholas in a separate room. We were neurotic about hand washing (think cracked and bleeding hands). We were crazy about keeping him healthy. In the end, we finally believed the truth that RSV is a highly, highly contagious virus. The bubble popped, we simply couldn’t control the invisible enemy.
I think the best way to find peace as a parent is to surrender. Isn’t parenthood one big practice in surrender, in loving and then letting go? Parents raise their children only to set them free in the world (hopefully), and let them make their own decisions and live their own life. We do what we have control over – getting them baptized, catechizing them, loving them well. What they do with that is not our decision.
Not only this, but there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent their suffering in this life. We can’t prevent pain, illness, or broken relationships. And I have become fully convinced that watching the suffering of your children is one of the single most difficult things you can learn to do.
Ultimately, we must entrust our children to Jesus, and allow him to take care of everything. Because, after all, we are only temporary guardians of this great and beautiful gift we have been given in our children.
5. We live no longer for ourselves
I had no idea how hard being a parent would be. I had no idea how much self denial would be involved. Nothing has caused me to step outside of myself and serve others more than my children. Their complete and total dependence forces me to meet their needs, regardless of how I feel at any given moment. Whether I’m having a good or bad day, feeling tired or rested, healthy or sick, they have needs that I must meet.
But I suppose that’s what so much of the Christian life is about, learning to recognize Christ in our midst and serving him, especially in the littlest ones, regardless of the circumstances.
It’s a constant battle. Some days I dream of laying on a beach for a week with no obligations and responsibilities. Other days I wish someone would just send me a fun gift and celebrate my unseen “job” as a mother. But parenthood isn’t about recognition. It’s about love that wills the good of the other.
In the end, I believe their dependence upon me is a constant reminder of my own dependence. They show me my complete and total need as a small child in the eyes of God. They draw me out of myself, reminding me that I live no longer for myself but for him (2 Cor 5:15).
If you’re a parent, what lessons have you learned over the years? Feel free to share in the comments!
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