Learning to Surrender

Who likes to be in control? To plan? To know the next steps? Or at least choose those next steps? I do! But life has a tendency to get in the way. It feels like so often we are thrown into unwelcome circumstances and situations that we would never have chosen for ourselves.

Back in February we found out we were expecting again. Happy news, certainly. After having had a miscarriage in the past, it always comes with certain levels of fear and anxiety. Around eight weeks pregnant, feeling sick as ever, I was able to go on a unique retreat. It was a beautiful and peaceful (and deeply nauseating) experience. There was so much time for prayer, rest, and quiet. I felt so peaceful about the pregnancy. 

After retreat though, the anxieties set in. I was so afraid of another loss. After asking my retreat leader for some extra prayers, she suggested the surrender novena. A prayer which I have done before, but honestly, still terrifies me. I mean, pray for what? Let Jesus actually take care of everything? But what if his will doesn’t align with mine? Perhaps you understand this fear. If you don’t, you should share your secrets of deep faith and trust with me. 

In short, I like being in control and I am terrified of giving it up, even to Jesus. Such a simple suggestion she had for me. Such a telling reaction. In the end, I didn’t do the novena. 

12 Weeks Later…

Fast forward to my 20 week ultrasound. It’s always an exciting time to be past the first trimester nausea and to see the baby and find out the gender. What we also found out, though, was that I had placenta previa. This is a complication where the placenta covers the cervix and if it doesn’t resolve with time, there’s a guaranteed c-section delivery. It also comes with many other risks that can be harmful for both mom and baby. Not exactly the news we expected nor were hoping for.

All of this made me deeply anxious for a while. I was worrying about worst-case-scenaries. I went down the rabbit hole of “Dr. Google”, which is never advisable. I was mourning the possible loss of birth the way I had envisioned it. But I started to realize I couldn’t live with these worries on my heart for the next 20 weeks. So my husband and I, armed with the surrender novena prayer card in hand, began to pray.  Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything. 

Ready for Anything

I have repeated this novena several times in the last months. After repeated ultrasounds, we kept getting news that the placenta had still not migrated far enough to avoid a c-section. At 34 weeks, I came to a place of accepting what I did not want to accept. We scheduled the c-section. At 37 weeks we had one last ultrasound, which happened to be less than 48 hours before we were scheduled to have the baby. I didn’t expect much, as at 34 weeks nothing had changed. I was beginning to look forward to meeting my baby and finishing the pregnancy a little early. But, our God has a sense of humor.  The placenta previa, much to our surprise, has completely resolved. But, the ultrasound tech said, your baby is now breech. 

Talk about some mental acrobatics. I was almost done with pregnancy. Now I still have a few weeks to go. No c-section on Friday, but maybe in two weeks. The flip-flopping is so hard, but God is teaching me to surrender. I have no doubt about it. 

Jesus, You Take Care of It!

Throughout the course of this pregnancy, so many lessons have abounded. Surrender is a lesson I’ve always avoided or just been too afraid to face. But sometimes you confront situations where you have no control. Sometimes you don’t even have the illusion of control, you just know there’s nothing you can do about it but entrust it to God’s care and stop worrying.  Honestly, I’ve found such great peace in knowing that. And I will also tell you, that little prayer, “Jesus, you take care of it!” is one that contains great power. Jesus can’t resist his children who, knowing they are helpless, are turning to him to put things in order, all the while trusting that however he does it must be for our own good. Does that always make it easy? No, I don’t think so. But I do think it works when prayed humbly and with persistence. 

That’s where the story stands for now. I have an external cephalic version scheduled for Wednesday, so please pray the baby has already flipped and we can avoid the extra procedure. But beyond that, you’ll have to come back in a few weeks for the conclusion of this story! And if you want to share, drop a comment below with your greatest lessons of surrender.

For Prayer and Reflection

• What are the areas you struggle to surrender to God? Bring these places to him. Ask him to be gentle.
• Join me in praying the Surrender Novena, you don’t even need a specific reason to pray it. I think now is always a good time.

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